a long time away

oh i havent blogged in ages, i never thought people really read my blog, but isaac's message convinced me to. so much has happened since i last blogged, so i'll just go on about what has been happening now...

yesterday i went to a market in warrandyte. i saw so many young musicians there (all around my age) and i got re-inspired. the music they all played was so sincere and genuine and of themselves. they were playing to entertain. then i realised that i take my music for granted. music is art. art is meant to communicate feelings and emotions and thoughts to people that plain words cannot. somewhere along the way, i've stopped playing for me, or for an audience and began playing to get a certificate. there's a vast difference. somewhere, i've lost the artistic side of my music and got caught up in analysing the music too much. i know people who play music will understand that music is not just a sound - it's a voice.

also, i've not only been inspired musically, but have been so in photography. atm, i do year 10 photography and am enjoying it so much, it's the best subject, and our class has the funniest and most fun times in that darkroom. in oxley, we don't have vce photography but you can do visual art and fill your folio with photographs (it's not the same though). but anyway, i was browsing through myspaces and came across a guy called "Zaldy" who takes amazing photographs of the most simple things. (check out his myspace and see his pictures at; www.myspace.com/nodesignhere) he even quotes,

"To capture something real, the subject has to be immersed in something real. Such simplicity can include doodling on a piece of paper, riding a bike, watching the sun rise/set, up to the depthness of human connection - the love of parent for their child to the pain of losing someone. Alot of things need not require photographs to freeze them. But there are some moments that do. In our advancing world, it is easy to forget some things."

wow, one day when i own my own SLR, i hope to see everything in the world as art. with a camera in my hand, maybe i can capture the true emotions of everyday life.

anyway, enough deep arty stuff.

exams are over so i'm relieved, but lately i feel like i've been far from God and a lot of my friends, like i used exams as an excuse to push everyone out of the picture, i feel really bad. so today, at church, i told God and i said sorry. it's missions month and we had a speaker called, TT Quah to come and speak to us, and the main thing which hit me was when he said, "The highest expression of love for Christ is worship, the highest expression of worship is obedience, and the highest expression of obedience is evangelism." he also told us stories about how he and some russian pastors planted hundreds of churches in russia. he told us to dream big, silly dreams, cos God will use them. i realised at that point how great a God we serve. He is awesome! God has been doing some great things in my heart since this morning.

that's about it. i guess i'm still trying to fit in at church and school. it's weird, for the first time in my life, i didn't want to go to church this morning, not because of God or i thought it was boring or anything, but mainly the fact that i don't feel like i still fit in at church. i'm trying, and i wish i did fit in cos i know God put me there, but i can't. i feel so selfish sometimes.. like clearly God calling me there is not all about me. and i guess school's just weird, i don't feel like i can really find a few close friends, our "group" has just grown so big now, and it's so lonely sometimes.

i also attend a group at school called Chapel Champions, and they meet every second week (chapel champions are a select group of students from year 10-12) and plan school chapels as well as pray for our chapels, and hopefully, God will use us to bring our school chapels to the next level, and really grow some of the christians at our school.

so yeah, that's mainly stuff happening in my life now, so i'll leave you with some emo crap i wrote a week or so ago and blogged it on myspace, and i guess i still feel this way, but not as much anymore.

i can't believe it's happening all over again, but this time, i'm smarter; this time, i'm stronger. i want to run back to you, i wish you were there to tell me it was going to be ok all over again, but you're not. i wait all day to hear your voice, to hear you make a sound, maybe make me laugh, or make me cry, but there's nothing but silence. then there are moments we're together, but it's not the same anymore. you seemed to have moved on, you seem to not care, but my feet are glued to the ground. i want to walk away fast, but i can't. i need you to tell me if it's over. i wonder how long i'll be standing here. and now i feel so stupid because i saw the signs, and i thought maybe it'd be worth it. you meant everything you said - at the time. i did too. how come "i love you" became such a cliché between us? you were the only constant in my life, but now my world's slipping away without you. i wish i could hear your laugh again. i wish i could make you smile. i wish my hugs were what you looked forward to at the end of the day again, but now i'm not even making sense, i'm sure no one reads this stuff anyway, do they? i miss you.

God bless guys,
miss all the fungus people,
xo