close to you

after many tears and fights, here i am now. i wanna share one of my most recent diary entries with you all...

i tried to scan it, but you can't read it, so i'll type it up.

Title: Close To You; (7.05AM) 13/8/08

"Lately I've just been drifting apart from you God, as if you were boring. It's like i go from one high to another and fizzle out real fast. i feel like where there's no excitement, there's no you. i wanna make you forever part of my everyday life, not just when i'm on a high, or going through a low. i wish i could put aside all those cheap imitations of you that leave me empty - friends, material possesions, highs, music, successes - and run to the one who makes me whole. i wish i knew how to continually bring glory to your name, and be a light to the world. no matter how hard i try, it's never all about you, it tends to end up as all about ME. and my worship and my praises are meant, yet they seem to fake when they leave me lips. i wonder if anyone has seen through me yet. i'm not perfect and i never will be - sorry i'm so disappointing. you are worthy of so much more - yet i don't even give you all i can. god give me strength to be the christian you deserve. amen."

today was pretty good until after piano. i remembered that my parents had planned a dinner next friday and it slipped my mind that i had my formal on that night, so i told my dad, and i thought he got really angry, but later my mum said sometimes he just reacts that way, but i'm convinced he was angry at me, then the whole thing got blown up into this big deal that it never really was. when i got home, i was a bit angry, and so was elysia, so we ended up yelling at each other, and when my mum came home, we all seemed to be angry. at the dinner table, it was silent other than my parents telling us both off. i've never sat through such an awkward dinner in my life, and i'm so glad it only lasted less than 10 minutes. i've never been so angry at elysia or my parents ever. i was reading psalms for bible homework and i felt like such a hypocrite, although i also felt what david said so deeply and i could so relate to it. oh, it's just been a crazy night, me and elysia have made up - we can never stay mad at each other for long, but i'm really confused as to what to do with formal, because dad (in anger) said i could go to the after party, but i feel bad.. ARGHH! i hate it when parents get this way.

the past few days, i've been trying to shine God's light and i wanted people to really really see God in me, but i just feel like i've failed Him and myself miserably.

and now the formal that was so hyped up, i'm so not looking forward to anymore.

also, i still feel as if i don't have any close friend i can readily call up or talk to when i want, it seems as if all the 'friends' at school or at church are so fake, and i'm beating myself up because i didn't see this earlier. i wish i could be like jerry and see what people are like after the first 5 minutes of meeting them! i know i have friends, but i'm always scared they're busy, or because we live so far away or are always really busy, i can never see them, and it's never the same.

and i just realised that isaac won't be here for incredibly long because he has to do NS! so i will make the most of the time he's here - because i dno what life would be without him, i actually dont really wanna know either lol.

thank you to NICK and everyone else who comforted me through my nightmares =) i really was genuinely incredibly SCARED! but i'm better now =)

pray pray pray for me/my church/my yg/my studies.

i put in my subject form for next year..

1. English 1&2

2. Chinese (Second Language) 1&2

3. Music Performance 1&2

4. Psychology 3&4

5. General Maths (B) - i'm dropping methods cos i dnt really need it for uni

6. Visual Communication and Design 1&2

yeah, i looked up courses, i'm aiming for "Bachelor of Arts" in Melb Uni. Enter score is 85.

gold star and pat on the back for reading my entire blog =)

xo