why is it that everytime i manage to fall flat on my face again? it's like i just learn to stand and then i stumble all over again. i finally accepted the way things were - with how and where God wanted me to be or do things, and suddenly, it gets ripped out from underneath my feet and all these doubts fill my mind. so many past frustrations begin to flood back in and i'm lost within my own thoughts and fears. i actually thought i'd dealt with all this before, i thought, 'yeah i can handle this' and yet as soon as it hit me, i had no will to try, no strength to fight back. i was crushed in my own ambitions and dreams, yet God was calling on me all along. i'm fighting back and forth with myself about whether i should follow Him or not and in the end i end up so confused i can't remember what i was trying to figure out in the first place. And as the time ticks by, i hardly get a chance to sit and smell the roses, so all i end up seeing is the weeds surrounding those roses because my head is so stuck to the ground that i can't look up. then i'm pretty sure i don't pretend to be someone i'm not but it's moments like these when i'm not so sure if this is who i really am or this is who i pretend to be when i need to cover up my frustrations.
and then i just end up confused...
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