all my fears have pushed you out

i'm sorry.
i'm sorry i had to think,
i'm sorry i had to hurt you.
i'm sorry i was never there,
i'm sorry i so close to replacing you.


but i felt so sure you were gone,
i thought you didn't want me any more.


i love you, i always will.

children.

i was watching four four-six year olds play basketball in their sunday school room yesterday. it was quite amusing. i am continually fascinated by the way little children communicate with each other and treat each other. their insults which no doubt cut each other deep like, "poohead" make me smile at their innocence and ignorance. ignorance is bliss. for some reason, as they grow, they grow less and less trusting and more and more cynical. i often wish we could be as carefree and simple as they are. they voice their opinions loud and clear without fear of hurting someone. they forgive each other after five minutes of hate, and play like best friends again.

i really do hope our society and the media do not corrupt or damage the kids too much. its so sad to see them grow up and lose that innocence. it's so sad when you see ten year old girls in groups of five each carrying pink supre bags and dressing like eighteen year olds.

=) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =)

apart from that.. today was good, added to my junk fest weekend with m&ms today!

hope the rally went well for you all who were involved! sorry i couldnt be there.. please dont hurt me :D my mummy truly didnt let me go!

xoxo

the junk fest

my diet today:
MACCAS BREAKIE

maccas hotcakes +

maccas hash brown +

maccas apple pie (which has gone down to $1 now!!) +

vanilla chai tea from mccafe (which is my favourite)

doritos at morning tea

and nandos for lunch =)

what a healthy day i've had. i feel like running and running to get skinny again, but i can't be bothered lol. i also finished the second book in the twilight series 'new moon' about 5 minutes ago. can't wait to start the 3rd next!

i'm also tired beyond belief, but homework awaits! will blog later.
xoxo

optimistic.

well, after an incredibly exhausting weekend, i have finally found the key to being optimistic - relying on God's strength. lots happened over the weekend, particularly on sunday night. it was crazy on msn that night! because of this, my monday was completely and utterly wrecked. i had the ultimatum of bad days. it was really bad. but, on monday night, i made adri promise me that we'd always keep each other in line and that this week, we'd learn to rely on God and him alone. not friends, or family, or each other, but only on God. after this, things started to change. i felt God's peace and yesterday was made so much more bearable, in fact, it was better than bearable, because it was a good day. despite having no bludge subjects, it was an ok day, i think the fact that we had art in last period contributed to that fact, because it was so stress-relieving.

today was a great day! it was bludge subjects all day - double art: where i started my distorted face drawing in charcoal (after nervously working in pencil for two lessons because i refused to use charcoal), double maths: where we had to get our last cancer injection which really really hurt, bible: where we did some exergesis on psalm 121 and double sport: which because most team seasons were done was bludge. but it was fun bludge. it was a free-study option too. so, me, dora, amber, jarrad and several others headed up to the art department (which is my new home in the school), and me and dora used the MACS to do some photoshopping and then i continued doing my charcoal drawing while listening to my iPod while talking to jarrad about how his dad stole raisins from safeway - lol. so my afternoon was thoroughly enjoyable and relaxing. theres nothing more relaxing than drawing and music together.

"the joy of the Lord is my strength".

i also uploaded some professional pictures of the formal up on facebook:
http://www.new.facebook.com/album.php?aid=54278&id=752157455
xoxo

everything.

i currently have a LOT of thoughts floating around in my little head. so this'll be a bit random and all over the place.. i'll put sub-titles to make it easier =)

Mike Guglielmucci
by now, everyone probably knows about this. and if not.. click on this link: http://www.news.com.au/adelaidenow/story/0,22606,24212817-5006301,00.html

when my dad first told me, i was angry, then i was shocked, then i felt sorry for him. i really do wonder why anyone would make up cancer.. perhaps it's his hunger for fame gone a bit crazy, or maybe he was never really sane in the first place. who knows.. what i do know was that God is a God of forgiveness and second chances. i still dno what to really think of this, except to pray for him and his family. his poor wife didn't know about any of this either. but mainly, my concern goes towards the youth and people who gave their lives to christ or grew in christ through his testimony. what now do they have to be inspired by? it's really sad if people backslide because of this. i think we must really hope that people do not begin to condemn mike - we're all human and fallen.

Generation Y
Yesterday at church, Ps. Mark Sayers ran a half day seminar on Gen Y. this really was a reminder to me about the world and culture we have grown up and now live in. it really saddens me how materialistic and secular we all are. i am so sad at the lack of God in our culture. it really got me questioning how we could possibly change this or get people to consider following Jesus when there are so many other things in this world that seem so much more appealing. then, i remembered what God challenged me when Chris Hope came to speak. God challenged me that day that he was all-powerful and he can do anything, including save our generation. i guess i still doubt. it also saddens me to see how shallow many youth groups are these days. they're all so program based and the youth of our generation seem to just base their faith on hype - which will fade. i really do hope God raises up the genuine christians of our generation.

friends.
don't you hate when you lose them?
my dad preached on friendship at church this morning..

"and friends are friends forever if the Lord's the Lord of them.." - a song by Michael W. Smith and Amy Grant.

i guess i need to begin to cultivate the friendships which help me grow in God.


i also decided to paint yesterday - it was completely random.
to help you understand my mood.. i was listening to "the Last Goodbye" by James Morrison.



thats it for now =)
xoxo

year 10 formal

this week was like waiting for christmas as a kid - agonising, exciting and anxious. we all waited for year 10 formal to arrive with much anticipation, and no secrets about our outfits. as the clock slowly ticked in double methods yesterday afternoon, it felt like each minute was an hour as we waited for the clock to touch 12.40 so we could go home and start getting ready. so with as few possible words as i can, i shall attempt to describe our magical night last night.


we got ready (using so much dress tape we couldn't sit down).

we ate. we danced.

we took photographs.

we said our you-look-so-pretty's.



a picture says a thousand words, so i will leave you with just a few...

check out the rest on my facebook..

http://www.new.facebook.com/album.php?page=1&aid=53480&id=752157455

xoxo

anyone else, but you.

somewhere in between blogging my last and now, i've come to realise that it's not about me. it's not about MY inadequacies or MY shortcomings. its not about MY failures or MY weaknesses. it's not about how perfect I can be or how good a christian I can be. it's not about me at all, and that's where i've gone wrong. it's all about him. he doesnt care about where i lack. he wants to fill that. he wants to be my strength, but i've been focusing so much on MYSELF that i've forgotten about him. it's not about what i can't do, it's about what he can using me.



and i am so grateful for 'God' who obviously spammed my blog with a million 'i-love-you's'. i love you too =)



on a completely different note, i watched juno with rachael defoe yesterday. i loved it. i actually thought it would be a really crude, ridiculous storylined, dodgy but funny type film, but it was actually incredibly decent. it was funny, and the characters were so real, and the ending was happy... everything i love about a movie. oh and of course, there was romance. apart from that, i loved spending that time with rachael defoe. we reminisced on old memories, as well as chatted about our lives now.. oh so much has changed! i'm really gonna miss her ='(



it was our church's 10th anniversary yesterday. about 120 people showed up - past and present. it was great to see familiar older faces as well as people i didn't know from a long way back in cornerstone's history. it was particularly great to see kelvin at church for once in like four years! the lunch was amazing - thanks to my mummy and the hall was sparkling clean - thanks to my awesome vacumning skills =)



i also loved encouraging an old friend on saturday night. though we never get the chance to converse very often these days, i'm very grateful for your friendship and i really cannot imagine my life without you. the good times of admiring converse chucks (back when we were too young and broke to own any ourselves), bagging jumpstart (with great passion!), and receiving that one valentines day card from you back in year 8. i'll never forget that conversation i tried to show you God exists, and i'll never forget the sheer joy i felt when i recieved that one text message from you yesterday morning. thanks for the encouragement, i know you wont believe me, but you acutally encouraged me more than i encouraged you. i'll be praying for you. hang on.



i started twilight on saturday. i gave in. i remember thinking, 'what a stupid storyline' but thinking, 'people must not all be crazy over it for no reason!' and so thanks to kim van tonder, i am now halfway through twilight.



formal is on this friday =) how exciting!



and the 40 hour famine starts in 4 minutes! i wonder if i can shove down some ice cream before 8PM o.0



apart from that, it kinda amazes me how my friendships at school seem to be absolutely falling apart, and yet i feel so carefree about it all. i'm actually really happy atm. i wonder why?!



lol. love you all =) xo

not measuring up

i feel so inadequate, like i don't measure up. i feel so frustrated because i can't get it right. i'm so damn frustrated, i wish i could get it right the first time. i wish i could always smile. i wish i was nearer perfect than i am now. i know that the real me isn't who i wish it was - and that makes me sad. i feel so inferior, i'm so undeserving.

close to you

after many tears and fights, here i am now. i wanna share one of my most recent diary entries with you all...

i tried to scan it, but you can't read it, so i'll type it up.

Title: Close To You; (7.05AM) 13/8/08

"Lately I've just been drifting apart from you God, as if you were boring. It's like i go from one high to another and fizzle out real fast. i feel like where there's no excitement, there's no you. i wanna make you forever part of my everyday life, not just when i'm on a high, or going through a low. i wish i could put aside all those cheap imitations of you that leave me empty - friends, material possesions, highs, music, successes - and run to the one who makes me whole. i wish i knew how to continually bring glory to your name, and be a light to the world. no matter how hard i try, it's never all about you, it tends to end up as all about ME. and my worship and my praises are meant, yet they seem to fake when they leave me lips. i wonder if anyone has seen through me yet. i'm not perfect and i never will be - sorry i'm so disappointing. you are worthy of so much more - yet i don't even give you all i can. god give me strength to be the christian you deserve. amen."

today was pretty good until after piano. i remembered that my parents had planned a dinner next friday and it slipped my mind that i had my formal on that night, so i told my dad, and i thought he got really angry, but later my mum said sometimes he just reacts that way, but i'm convinced he was angry at me, then the whole thing got blown up into this big deal that it never really was. when i got home, i was a bit angry, and so was elysia, so we ended up yelling at each other, and when my mum came home, we all seemed to be angry. at the dinner table, it was silent other than my parents telling us both off. i've never sat through such an awkward dinner in my life, and i'm so glad it only lasted less than 10 minutes. i've never been so angry at elysia or my parents ever. i was reading psalms for bible homework and i felt like such a hypocrite, although i also felt what david said so deeply and i could so relate to it. oh, it's just been a crazy night, me and elysia have made up - we can never stay mad at each other for long, but i'm really confused as to what to do with formal, because dad (in anger) said i could go to the after party, but i feel bad.. ARGHH! i hate it when parents get this way.

the past few days, i've been trying to shine God's light and i wanted people to really really see God in me, but i just feel like i've failed Him and myself miserably.

and now the formal that was so hyped up, i'm so not looking forward to anymore.

also, i still feel as if i don't have any close friend i can readily call up or talk to when i want, it seems as if all the 'friends' at school or at church are so fake, and i'm beating myself up because i didn't see this earlier. i wish i could be like jerry and see what people are like after the first 5 minutes of meeting them! i know i have friends, but i'm always scared they're busy, or because we live so far away or are always really busy, i can never see them, and it's never the same.

and i just realised that isaac won't be here for incredibly long because he has to do NS! so i will make the most of the time he's here - because i dno what life would be without him, i actually dont really wanna know either lol.

thank you to NICK and everyone else who comforted me through my nightmares =) i really was genuinely incredibly SCARED! but i'm better now =)

pray pray pray for me/my church/my yg/my studies.

i put in my subject form for next year..

1. English 1&2

2. Chinese (Second Language) 1&2

3. Music Performance 1&2

4. Psychology 3&4

5. General Maths (B) - i'm dropping methods cos i dnt really need it for uni

6. Visual Communication and Design 1&2

yeah, i looked up courses, i'm aiming for "Bachelor of Arts" in Melb Uni. Enter score is 85.

gold star and pat on the back for reading my entire blog =)

xo

what a ride

ohhhhh.. where do i start?
well i guess it started on saturday night when i felt absolutely like crap for ditching jerry & isaac's family dinner for dora's 16th birthday party. (Again i apologize to you both!!!) i guess this all got me thinking about the friends i hang out with and prioritize. i guess it sounds stupid, but there must be some friends you put over others. and ive come to find that the friends i tend to prize highly turn out to be pretty shallow and empty and fun for a while, but its not like we seem to get closer. i felt so bad for ditching isaac and jerry because they are my BIFFLES!!! lol. i mean i know we'll be friends for a while, but it feels like some of my friends won't last for long, and i wonder why i try so hard to keep up with them.

at the party, we watched a horor movie, "the Descent" and honestly, i hate horror movies, but usually they dnt affect me much after the movie, just during. but i found i couldnt sleep that night. i just couldnt. i lied there thinking about that movie. and in the end, i went to my parent's room and slept so much better. then, last night, i tried to sleep at 7 because i was so tired, but i couldnt and in the end, Elysia read psalms to me and i fell asleep eventually, but she said i sat up in the middle of the night and screamed. i've been so scared these past few days and i dnt even know why. today i realised that i think it's a spiritual attack. i seem to always feel so tired after fighting these fears, and i really can't seem to get it out of my head. please guys, pray for me, because i dnt think this is just about me.

so that's been my last few days. i've been living in fear!! i actually havent been scared like this since i was like 7!

sounds pretty lame, but that's the story =)

xo

a fiddler on the roof

life (as always) has been incredibly chaotic. so, this will be a short blog =)



-fiddler on the roof production (30 july-1 august, last week)

the production was one awesome musical. we all had so much fun (i was in the band - i played violin). it was tiring and chaotic and tiring! we had monday night rehearsal, then tuesday all day dress rehersal, then we went to school on wednesday and had a wednesday night performance. then, a thursday night performance, a friday morning mattinee and finally, a friday night performance. it was so tiring, but gosh, it was awesome!!



-a gliga I

oh yes, i got a spankin' brand new gliga I violin. omg, its awesome! it sounds so much better than the old stentor i previously played (btw, i need to sell 2 violins - a 1/2 size and a 4/4 size, so if anyone needs violins, they can buy from me!). so on saturday, my 'rents and i drove down to the melbourne string company on whitehorse rd in balwyn and bargained a gliga I, a case and a bow down to $690 from $780! + free rosin! my daddy's awesome at that.



-Chris Hope

going way back (as in 2 sundays ago back), Chris Hope came to speak at church. He is a youth speaker, and was the director of youth alive geelong from 2001-2007. he now runs an organisation which trains young people to minister in asia. he did an evangelistic youth meeting at my church, and he really spoke to me. God really spoke to me about heaps of things, including the fact that he is all powerful. perhaps i'll go into detail in another blog, but needless to say, God spoke to me heaps, and has changed my thinking.



-first ever methods SAC.

yes, and seriously, everyone is freaking out about it. we started it today, and it isnt even that hard. so, hopefully, i can finish it on friday and do well and PASS! =)



so yeah, thats been my life for about the past two weeks. sorry for leaving you all in the dark regarding my life lately =), i try to blog, but life gets in the way.

i have to go and draw for visual art now. maybe i'll blog more later.

god bless.